Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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