NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
