I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need a burrito and a hug.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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