then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
