Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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