Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
