I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
