I haven't been this sober since birth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I understand Curling. That high.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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