i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ugly people sure do ruin things
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
