Cold hands, warm shart.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
