Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
