i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
