i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
