I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
