I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
