The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize