I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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