Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
