i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
