i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
