i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
