So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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