I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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