This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
