Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
