dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
