i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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