Quick, to the slutcave!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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