sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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