im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am one with the molecules
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
