The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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