last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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