its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
