I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
