so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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