so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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