Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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