why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Found your dick twin last night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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