he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
