honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
