woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
