My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
