I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
