Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Of course I have a pirate flag
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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