I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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