Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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