dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
