yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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