Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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