sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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