her vagina looked like bernie madoff
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize