She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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