I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
