Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
