It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
