I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
