I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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