And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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