On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
