you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the liver wants what the liver wants
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
