when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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