I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
