Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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